Scene: An upper-middle class suburban neighborhood. Jim is going to knock on the door of his newly moved neighbor.
Jim: [Knocks on door, holding a housewarming gift]
[Someone creaks the door open slightly. Their face is obscured by darkness.]
Jim: Hello there! Was hopin’ to, y’know, introduce myself to the new neighbors. [Awkwardly chuckles]
[The “person” opens the door to reveal that they’re a zombie. They start moaning and snarling.]
Jim: Jesus Christ! [Jolts, dropping his housewarming gift]
Zombie: Graaugh! Urgh! Uh… [Clears throat] Sorry, sorry! Yeah, I’m sorry, uh. I should’ve told you that I, uh, am… uh.
Jim: Oh! Sorry, I had no idea, ha! [Awkwardly chuckling] Y-You can speak English?
Zombie: Yeah. I, uh… Was actually born here. The “gurgling” you heard was my GERD…
Jim: Ah, acid reflux? [Trailing off] My cousin was diagnosed with that…
Zombie: Yeahhhhhh…
[Awkward silence]
Jim: Well then! Let me properly introduce myself. The name’s Jimmy Smith and I’m your friendly neighbor. You can just call me Jim for short! My kids saw a movin’ van outside the house and, yep! That’s why… That’s why I’m here, heh! Meetin’ the neighbors! [Puts hand out for a handshake]
Zombie: Oh, cool. Happy to meet you too. [Extends hand to shake]
[Jim firmly shakes the zombie’s hand causing the zombie’s hand to fall onto the floor. The hand starts writhing on the ground.]
Jim: Oh, golly! I’ll just, uh, [Leans down and picks the hand up by the fingers] pick that up for ya’.
Zombie: [Talking over Jim] Shoot, um… Yeah, that’s— If you could just— Yeah, thanks.
Jim: [Talking over the zombie] I’ll just, heh, put that back.
[Jim tries to put the hand on the zombie’s wrist but they both aim in different directions.]
Jim: Nope, that ain’t—
Zombie: Oh, um— You can just—
[They try again and go the opposite directions again.]
Jim: That ain’t workin’— Y’know what… I’ll just—
[Jim sighs and just gives the zombie his hand back.]
Zombie: Yeah…I’ll take that.
Jim: I am so sorry—
Zombie: [Interrupts] It’s okay, it, yeah— It happens all the time.
Jim: Well. As I was, sayin’, I… [Pauses] I hope you’re not too busy ‘cause I was thinkin’ we could have a little chat as friendly neighbors inside?
Zombie: Actually, I… Uh. [Pauses] You know what? Sure… Come in.
[The zombie opens the door fully and invites Jim inside.]
Jim: I see you’re still movin’ in! Y’know, I remember me and my wife, Shannon, movin’ in this neighborhood and, whew, that was somethin’!
Zombie: Oh, really? [Starts pouring Jim a drink]
Jim: [Setting down housewarming gift on table] Sure was! There were so many, y’know, things we had to unpack and— Good lord, those boxes were heavy. Those boxes were killin’ me! Shannon was sure I would be a dead man…
[Jim looks at the zombie.]
Jim: I mean! Not “dead man,” of course! [Awkwardly chuckling] I meant, that I was, y’know, tired— But not sayin’ all dead men are tired, I just meant— Y’know?
Zombie: [Look confused] What?
Jim: N-Nevermind. I was just sayin’ me and Shannon had some trouble with our move-in day, so if you have any trouble with yours, please don’t be afraid to give us a call!
Zombie: Thanks, I, uh, appreciate it.
Jim: Y’know, I’ve been just talkin’ your ear off about me, but I’m curious to know more about my new neighbor, heh! [Takes a sip of the drink] What brought you into the neighborhood?
Zombie: Well, I, uh… I mainly came over here, uh, because of job opportunities and, yeah. Oh! I also really like the grapeyard here. It’s comforting and, uh, half the reason why I chose this area.
Jim: Ooh! I lived here for ‘bout ten years and I had no idea we had a graveyard!
Zombie: Uh… Grapeyard? [Overpronounces the “p” sound]
Jim: Of course. Of course you meant the grapeyard, what was I thinkin’? [Awkwardly laughs it off then mumbles to himself] Fell right into that one, Jim.
Zombie: But… Uh, yeah. Besides that, it was mainly, uh, job opportunities. I work in the medical field.
Jim: Wow! Ain’t that impressive! Nice to know I can call up a doctor anytime now. [Laughs] What kind of doctor?
Zombie: Heh, I’m a neurosurgeon.
Jim: …
Zombie: …
Jim: …
Zombie: I’m joking.
Jim: Oh! [Awkwardly forced laughing as he’s talking] Phew, I thought— You got me there, whew! I thought you were being genuine for a sec there, ha ha!
Zombie: Yeah, that’d be… Heh, that’d be pretty bad.
Jim: Sure would be! [Laughing trails off] So, what actual kind of doctor are ya’?
Zombie: Well, I am actually an infectious disease specialist.
Jim: Aw, c’mon stop pullin’ my leg now! [Awkwardly laughing again] I wouldn’t trust you stoppin’ a zombie outbreak!
Zombie: Uh… That is my, uh, actual job… [Looks around awkwardly] I work for the CDC.
Jim: [Laughing slowly stops] W-Wait. You’re not jokin’?
[The zombie shakes his head and points to his framed medical school degrees on his wall, one of the only things that he managed to unpack.]
Jim: [Speechless and stuttering over his words] I… Wh…
Zombie: It’s fine, I was— I was, uh, messing with you earlier so…
Jim: [Quietly] Good lord, I am so sorry … It is, um, once again good to know that you are a doctor. My kids get colds all the time so… [Trailing off]
Zombie: Yeah, I— [Trailing off with him] Yeahhhhh…
[There’s an awkward silence. Jim pretends to look at his broken watch. He then slaps his knees and gets up from the couch.]
Jim: [Shaky voice] Well won’t ya’ look at the time! Looks like I gotta go home and start helpin’ make dinner for my kids, ha!
Zombie: Yeah, I have to be, uh, somewhere after this…
Jim: Oh, yes, of course, of course!
Zombie: [Awkwardly smiles] It was, uh, nice talking to you, though.
Jim: It was nice talkin’ to ya’ too!
[A pause happens then Jim blurts out.]
Jim: Y’know what… You should… Come over for dinner… T-Tomorrow!
Zombie: T-Tomorrow? [Eyes widen] Uh… Thanks, but—
Jim: [Interrupts him] See ya’ there!
[Jim walks towards the door and is about to leave when the zombie quickly limps over to him.]
Zombie: Actually! Jim…
Jim: [Turns around] Y-Yes?
Zombie: I don’t… [Sighs] I really don’t, uh, want to be rude about this, but, uh… You’re a really nice guy and all and I really do, uh, appreciate you coming over but this was—
Jim: [Interrupts] …Really awkward?
Zombie: Yeahhhhh… And with full respect, I really don’t want to… Go to a dinner where it, uh, still might be, um…
Jim: [Interrupts again, sighing] …Really awkward?
Zombie: Yeahhhhh… You— I just feel, uh…
[The zombie clears his throat and puts reassuring hands on Jim’s shoulders.]
Zombie: Listen, Jim… You don’t have to talk to me.
Jim: I don’t have to talk to ya’?
Zombie: You really don’t.
Jim: [Surprised] …Really? So, you won’t feel any type of, y’know, offense if I don’t…
Zombie: I would, uh, honestly prefer it! I’m pretty introverted anyways…
Jim: [Comfortingly smiles] Oh, thank God…
Zombie: [Laughs] Yeah, really don’t worry about it. I understand that, uh… I’m a bit “different” from, uh, other neighbors you’ve had, so…
Jim: Definitely, [Sighs] Definitely…
[Jim opens the door and looks back, smiling, at the zombie before he goes back to his house.]
Jim: See ya’ outside when you’re mowin’ the lawn?
Zombie: [Smiles] I’ll just wave, Jim. I’ll just wave.
FIN.