ONE.

“She’s here!” The doctor announced loudly to the whole room when

Kayleigh was born. I was only nineteen, so the attention was unwanted and

unneeded. Shortly after Kayleigh came into the light, they took her back into

the NICU, and I sat there, stone cold. Nothing used to bug me so bad like this,

but the pressure of the nurses and the doctors cheering just made the thought

of my teen pregnancy so much worse.

The charge nurse rolled me out in a wheelchair with Kayleigh and my

hospital bag. She was strange and very invasive in my struggles of being a teen

mom.

“You know, you should really rethink your choices earlier. When I had my

kids, they were horrible. I was thirty-four too. Couldn’t imagine at nineteen.”

She snarkily remarks in my ear while letting out a sly chuckle. I immediately

roll my eyes.

“Kayleigh shouldn’t be that bad. It’s just that my depression is worse due

to the nurses and the doctors saying things about my teen pregnancy.”

“Maybe if you hadn’t had her at nineteen your depression wouldn’t be so

severe.”

That set me off. She didn’t know anything about me and my business, let

alone anything about me and Kayleigh’s backstory. I see my mom at the circle

coming to pick me up.

“Abigail, honey! Are you ready to come home? I already set up the

nursery in your house since she came earlier than expected, I hope you don’t

mind!”

I lightly nod my head, already feeling the after effects of the pregnancy. I

mean, it feels horrible having Kayleigh out of me. It’s already hard enough

doing this at a young age. Why couldn’t she just stay in? The overwhelming

guilt of even having Kayleigh sets in hard. But, she’s my baby, I can’t let her

suffer like this.

TWO.

“Ms. Abigail?” The doctor questions while opening the door to my

examination room.

“Hello, yes, that’s me.”

“Perfect! So, you wanted to talk about postpartum depression medication,

yes?”

“Yes, my brain is just telling me to give up with her. I can’t, she’s my

baby.” Hiding my face from embarrassment, I start tearing up under my hands.

“I get it honey. Alright, according to your chart, I believe that Zuranolone would be the best option for you mentally and physically based on your symptoms, okay? This medication is only taken for fourteen days and is taken orally through the mouth. Very simple and effective. Should get you out of this in no time. You can pick it up after this appointment, it should be ready.” She has a very comforting smile on her face while talking, which gives me security. 

I didn’t think it would be this easy to get this medication, I’ve been searching for answers online to find medications that would be the best for my symptoms, yet I haven’t heard of that one yet.

“Okay, thank you so much.”

She nods and walks out of the room with a smile on her face. I rush to pick up my things and quickly drive to the pharmacy. After standing in line for at least a good thirty minutes, I finally got up to the cashier.

“That will be one hundred and twenty dollars on the dot, ma’am.”

“One hundred and twenty dollars? That’s crazy…” I mumble under my breath while sliding my card.

“Yeah, tell me about it. One lady had an anxiety medication that cost her three hundred. Alright, your payment went through. Thank you, have a nice day.” She lazily hands me the bag with the medication in it.

“Thank you.”

THREE.

“Mom, this medication has been doing wonders to me! I think I’m starting to get better!”

“Well good, honey. That’s all I want for you. Tomorrow’s your last dose after all!”

My heart stops.

“Tomorrow? Already… tomorrow?”

My mother nods in approval.

“Yes darling, is something wrong? Did I get the date wrong?”

“No no, you’re definitely not wrong. I just…”

“Honey, I promise you will be fine off of the medication. You’ll feel a little different the first couple of days then you should be okay.”

“I trust you, but I’m just scared. What if I’m not and I accidentally hurt Kayleigh?” I stare off into Kayleigh’s bright blue eyes while rocking her to sleep.

“Abigail, you’re not going to hurt her. The most you could do is accidentally not change her diaper in three hours instead of two hours. You will be fine.” My mother says while playing with the blonde ends of my hair.

I nod and take a huge gulp, scared of what will happen next.

FOUR.

Four years later and I’m sitting in my art room, pale and weak. I took a handful of my Zuranolone that I got second hand, and swallowed it. I pick up my paintbrush and start sloppily painting on red strokes of paint on my porcelain canvas.

“Mommy?” Kayleigh’s voice pounds through my ears, as I’m trying to work off this migraine I’ve had for four days straight.

“Honey, not right now. Mommy still has a headache.” I push her away, already getting tired of my painting. I throw the canvas off the easel, making Kayleigh jump in the process.

“I’m sorry, baby. Go to your room and sleep, okay? It’s past your bedtime anyways.”

“Mommy…”

“Yes, darling?”

“It’s lunchtime…”

My eyes strike the clock. Jesus, it is lunchtime.

“I’m sorry, honey. Can you ask grandma to make you some lunch? I’m very tired right now.”

“Mommy, grandma isn’t with us anymore. She died, remember?”

I sit in silence. My mother passed away straight after Kayleigh went to daycare. I guess it was the world saying that it was someone else’s time to take care of her.

“You’re right, sorry baby. Mommy isn’t feeling well.”

Kayleigh nods and walks to the kitchen, waiting for me to come over. I slowly stand up, clenching the side of my desk, so I don’t fall over. I walk into my kitchen. There’s piles of dishes on the counter and food left out from yesterday. I fixed her up a chicken sandwich with chips.

“Thanks mommy, I love you. You work so hard to take care of me.” She waddles back to her room. I sigh, and start washing the dishes.

FIVE.

After calling the babysitter, Maxine, I drove straight to my favorite bar with my favorite people, Bailey, that I met at the bar a couple weeks ago, and Kristin, my childhood best friend.

“Girls, I can’t do this anymore. Kayleigh needs someone better than me to take care of her.”

“No, don’t say that. Kayleigh loves you and I couldn’t see her with any other person other than you. You’re kind, genuine and you always tell the truth.” Kristin whispers while holding my arm.

“Yeah, genuine until I told her today to go ask grandma to make her lunch. Best mom am I right?”

I see Bailey cringe on my right and Kristin purse her lips on my left.

“Yeah, that probably wasn’t the best thing you could’ve said. But besides that, you can’t control it. The medication gets to be too much and you slip up sometimes.” Bailey attempts to console me but I just raise my hand to get a refill of my drink I was holding.

“Hey girl, who’s Kayleigh with tonight?”

Joe. Also known as the best bartender in the world. He’s always listened to me and basically knows every small detail about my life.

“She’s with Maxine, remember the babysitter I told you about last week?”

“Yeah, the one who overcharges you for one kid? Girl, fifty dollars an hour is insane. You could not catch me paying that price. Ever.”

“Yeah, I know Joe. But she’s like, the only one that’ll even walk into my house. It’s a mess.”

“Kayleigh doesn’t have a problem with it. She looks at it like she’s safe. She’s at home. She doesn’t think of it as any different.”

“I know, but I’m genuinely worried about her there. What if she runs into a plate that was set up on the counter and breaks it then steps in the glass? What if she runs into the armchair I haven’t finished setting up yet and gets a concussion? I can’t pay for that, let alone deal with that.”

“Then why are you still here, girl? Get your lazy butt out there and provide for Kayleigh. Get off of whatever long named medication you’re on and work it out. Live your artist dreams, go display your art like you’ve always wanted to do. Abigail, you can change this.”

I sat there for a minute, in awe of his words. Ever since my mother died, I haven’t had a single drop of motivation. But this, this was it. I snatched my bag, bid farewell to my girls (and Joe) and drove over to the house. Kayleigh was asleep and Maxine was already gone. 

I grabbed the bottle of pills, rushed to the toilet and flushed them. I took a deep breath and ran to my art room to start on inspiration pieces for my artistry. I’ve always loved painting and drawing body frames, so, what if I painted actual bodies?

SIX.

I woke up the next morning, paid Maxine in full for the day, then went straight outside to start. I set up my equipment and the first person walked up to me after a couple minutes.

“Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Stacy.”

“Hey! What would you like painted today?”

“My kids want their face painted, if that’s alright with you.” The three timid children stepped out behind their mother, smiling. I smile back, setting up my sample designs for them to pick from. They quickly pick their designs, and me and Stacy start talking.

“So, when did you have your first?”

“I had Aidan when I was seventeen. It was a hard time in my life, but I learned to love the journey of motherhood. It felt so right to me.” She pauses.

“Do you have any kids?”

This question struck me as a surprise, but surely enough, I answered.

“Yes, I have one. Kayleigh is four right now. I had her when I was nineteen.”

“That means you’re still young then. What made you start painting?”

“Her. She means everything to me and I wanted to make her life better. She deserves the world.”

“Oh, that’s why the sign says Painting Bodies for Kayleigh.”